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20121027
20121104
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the election! maybe we'll fwaukt selection, which you may have heard is happening, 12 days from now in the great state of ohio. (laughter) i'm not sure if any other states are voting this year, but candidates are beginning to make their closing arguments. and if i could frame them through lyrics and music of the great britney spears, barack obama is saying to the electorate, hit me baby, one more time. (laughter) whereas mitt romney is perhaps suggesting, i'm a genie in a bottle. (laughter) really, they're not sung by the same person, are you sure? no, they are sung by the wonders that judge on the talent show. there's two music talent shows? i have got to get myself a zune. (laughter) what are we talking about? oh, yeah, mitt romney's closing arguments. >> the government of the united states is not a good venture capitalists, he likes to pick winners and losers, about $90 billion in green energy companies like solyndra and tess la a friend of mine says he doesn't mind picking winners and losers, he likes picking losers. >> half of them, the ones invested in have gone out of busines
, it will be over soon, abby. the election will be over soon, captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us! please, everybody, please. good to have you with us and, folks, it is good to be back. first of all i'm okay. (laughter) how's everybody here? everybody okay? (cheers and applause) full disclosure: this isn't actually my audience. we're actually one ago shelter tonight. (laughter) most of these people are just here to recharge their iphones. (cheers and applause) and to take a bum shower in the bathroom sink. (laughter) little gamey. because we have all come through one hell of a storm, folks. of course, our thoughts and prayers are with the 60 million americans throughout 20 states who have been hit by hurricane sandy. this record surge has devastated communities from north carolina to maine. 62 people at least have died. power station explosions and downed lines have left eight million people without electricity-- including n
's really only one question on everyone's mind. >> how will this affect election day? >> with much of the east coast battered by sandy only seven days from the election, how will it impact the race? >> it's mother nature's october surprise. a storm so big and so destructive it could throw the campaign's final week into chaos. >> stephen: yes, all across the country people were frantically texting their loved ones. "your father and i are or worried, have you seen the latest tracking polls of undecided suburban women in ohio?" (laughter) and make no mistake, folks, this hurricane has got "election" all over it! out of sensitivity, less than one week from election day mitt romney has been forced to suspend his campaign! that's why he scrapped his victory rally in kettering, ohio and instead appeared at a completely different the same spot -- (laughter) -- with the same people and called it a storm relief rally. which is so comforting for all those living on ohio's hard-hit atlantic coast. (laughter) (applause) now, at the storm relief not-campaign event, mitt aired a biographical vide
because -- folks, huge news. we're always looking to bring you the biggest election story. and rumors started monday about a game-changing october surprise. >> donald trump now claims to have a bombshell announcement about president obama. >> a major announcement from donald trump coming today, and why it might change your vote in the presidential election. >> i have something very very big. it's very big. bigger than anyone would know. it's going to be very big, i know one thing-- you will cover it in a very big fashion. >> stephen: yes, board up your windows, stock up on canned meats --this will be the biggest, classiest, most devastating election game-changer in the human history of time. okay? think teapot dome, only the teapot is encrusted with gold and we're using diamond tea bags. [ laughter ] the speculation was rampant. was it the long-rumored obama divorce papers? proof that obama's white half is also black? [ laughter ] no, even bigger. trump dropped a ten-mega-trump bombshell. >> if barack obama opens up and gives his college records and applications; and if he gives his p
.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight new scientific methods to predict its winner of the election, evenee meanee mine mitt? and getting ready for halloween, if are you like most americans you're already filled with candy. and my guest, mitch daniels is republican governor of indiana where the wind goes sweeping down the plains ♪ ♪ anonymous source say mitt romney uses spray tan. those anonymous sources, anyone with eyes. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, basele
school elections. (laughter) we set out to ruin that by sending john oliver and a documentary crew to take over an eighth grade student council election. i present to you part one of our new three-part series "the strategist." >> woodcliff middle school was in full campaign mode as two very different candidates ran for class president. >> my name is kyle pearlman. >> i'm loren, i'm 13, i'm in eighth grade. >> i'm running for student council president. >> strategist john oliver's first task was picking which candidate to work with. for some advice on how to make his choice he turned to grizzled 25-year campaign consultant mark o'hara. >> most consultants are concerned about two things and two things only: winning the campaign and making sure they get paid. >> oh, that's great. >> it's simple. >> that makes my job a whole lot easier. loren, why do you want to be president? >> well, i really want to focus on anti-bullying so it just is completely eliminated from the school. >> um -- just bragging rights. (laughter). >> jon: would you describe yourself as a popular person? >> not exact
to a nuclear iran. >> yes. four years after obama was elected, four whole years have passed. (laughter) the president did nothing to stop the march of time (laughter) not only is iran four years closer to a nuclear bomb, if you think about it, everybody is. even me! (cheers and applause) admittedly, i'm still far away. the mentos and diet coke stage. but still. (laughter) and, folks, mitt laid out his prosecution of the president's weak leadership. >> four years ago the president began what i called an apology tour of going to various nations in the middle east and criticizing america. i think they look at that and saw weakness. >> nothing governor romney just said is true. >> yes it is! (laughter) you apologized. not only that, you bowed to leaders all over the world! that is not presidential! f.d.r. never bowed to foreign leaders. (laughter) he never even stood for them! (laughter) but obama -- (cheers and applause) -- obama, obama will bow to anyone! hell, after the debate he bowed to romney's grandson! (laughter) and, folks, great points by romney but it's not just what romney said
are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, baseless decimations of who is going to win. now this much we know, folks. the election could be swung by one key voting bloc. >> women! >> stephen: yes! it's the ladies! who are they going to vote for? well, according to a new report on cnn.com, women vote based on their oflation cycle. (laughter) the study says that when single women are ovulatting they feel sexier and therefore lean more toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality. which is why instead of e-mails, obama is just sending late night texts that say "you up? folks. -- (applause) that makes him the commander in booty calls. folks, i think this study is bull. and cnn knows it because they pulled the article saying it did not meet their editorial standards. damn straight. this study is offensive. all women are like mindless hormone zombies following pheromone trails like so many worker ants to the poles? no, come on, it's the 21st century. women don't make decisions based on what's down here. t
6th, the 2012 elections will be over. [laughter] that's not all that's coming to an end. jessica williams has more. >> in 2004, a fresh-faced new artist burst on to the scene. >> there is not a liberal america and a conservative america. there is the united states of america. >> barack obama. from there it was a string of chart toppers. >> fired up. >> fired up. >> ready to go. yes we can. this election has never been about me. it's about you. >> he was a sensation. but recently obama made a startling announcement. >> this is my last political campaign. >> yes, come november 6th, it's over. with just one last chance to catch this great artist, we weren't going to miss it. >> i'm so excited to be here. >> yeah, i'm kind of like an audacity of hope girl. >> for me the new stuff will never live up to the classic. >> change you can believe in gave me hope for the future for my children. >> lowell, hello. change you can believe in got me pregnant with my second child. >> we've also had a lot of momentum, a lot more dynamic. this time he's more chill. >> i love the economy's chasing st
. for whatever reason both campaigns have crunched the numbers, studied this election's metrics and decided that the only electoral votes of consequence in 2012 are the 18 that reside in the great state of ohio. while the rest of us are free to pursue work, family, recreation, ohioans must reconcile their role as this year's --. >> there's more money being spent on political ads in ohio than in any other state. 181 million dollars so far, in columbus, more than 6600 ads just this month. that's 333 a day. for sue and jack mckittrick of dublin, ohio, the barrage begins before day break. she's undecided. he support as romney. >> the ads are continuously from 5:00 in the morning until we go to bed at night. >> jon: and that's when the dream ads start. (laughter) are you happy o bama and romney! you're killing the mckittricks! you know they just got married three months ago. (laughter) and now look at them! they're in their mid 20s. you're killing them! (cheers and applause) these ohio political ads zap your youth, they drain your vigor. out of the same hole they used to zap your youth. the cloa
've been waiting for five years. next up on tips of the wiz el, throughout the election pundits have wondered whether mitt romney's faith could hurt his chances. >> we know from extensive polling as well as an deck-- anecdotally and culturally that evangelical does do not favor a mormon candidate. >> for a lot of evangelical christians, they didn't consider mormonism even christianity. >> stephen: of course, how can it be christianity if it is not televised with an 800 number. so to countser this problem, romney has appealed to the reverend billy graham, an evangelical titan and religious advisor to 12 presidents. one more and he gets a free foot long in heaven. but folks there is a catch. billy graham's own web site lists mormonism as a cult along with jehovah witness, scientologist and unitarians. oh yes, the dang just-- dangerous cult of unitarianism, their rules are so loose that their tle sacred fixes are the old testament, the new testament and free to be you and me. (applause) so ladies and gentlemen, a miracle has occurred for mitt. because with god all things are deletable.
campaigns. these campaigns are finally making their closing statements of this election. john oliver, let's start with you. what is obama campaign's closing speech and pitch to the american people? >> simply this, john. the obama camp feels the choice is simple. maybe obama hasn't been the president you wanted him to be. perhaps he didn't meet the high expectations he set himself. but the other guy, jon, is a total dick! (cheers and applause) i mean that. jon, he's a six-foot shaft with tiny ballses for feet. he may not fire you himself but you know that when he's looking at you he's unemploying you with his eyes. (cheers and applause) now, if you will excuse me, jon, i'm going to stare at aasif while he's talking, thereby dominating him visually. (laughter). >> jon: well, all right, seems like a relatively low-brow closing argument from the obama campaign. aasif, you've been with the romney campaign. what's their closing argument? >> well, what do you want it to be? (laughter) (cheers and applause) look, jon, um, mitt romney has been running for president for seven years. these are two s
Search Results 0 to 37 of about 38 (some duplicates have been removed)